A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is ‘yes’.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.” !!
During a recent password audit at a large corporation; one employee was discovered to have the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password she rolled her eyes and replied :
“Hello….I was told to have at least 8 characters and one capital”.
Light bulb Joke # 1
How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
“Look it up!”
The Amazing Pig
A New Yorker was driving through the back roads to keep away from the highway patrol. He drove thru a small burg and saw a farmer walking along the side of the road with a pig on a leash. He took a double take, stopped and pulled back to talk the fellow. Than he noticed with great amazement that not only was the pig on a leash, but he also had a wooden leg to boot!
“Say Mr.” asked the driver. “I couldn’t help but notice your pig has a wooden leg! Why is that?”
“Well” replied the farmer slowly. “This here pig is amazing. Last summer my son was swimming in the pond and started to drown; this here pig dove in, caught him and pulled him to safety on land.”
“Why that’s amazing”, said the driver, but why does he have a wooden leg?”
“Well son,” replied the farmer. “It was last August or maybe September that our house was on fire and our daughter was stuck upstairs with flames all around her. This here pig ran into the burning house, fetched her and brought her outside to safety.”
“Those are most astonishing stories” says the driver. “But I still wonder why he has a wooden leg?”
“Oh you stupid city slicker,” replies the farmer in disgust. “Would you eat a pig this good all at once?!”
Light Bulb Joke # 2
How many mother-in-laws does it take to replace a light bulb?
“Oh that’s ok, I’ll just sit here in the dark”
Blonde Joke # 114
The blonde went up to the counter and said “I’d like a cheeseburger and fries”.
The lady behind the desk replied, “Excuse me, this is a library!”
Becoming immediatley more quiet she said : “Oh, I’m sorry” whispered the blonde, “I’d like a cheeseburger and fries”.
Little Johnny Strikes Again
the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.
sheep. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted
you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.
hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was
‘fascinated.’ The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’
his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
‘fascinate’, so she called on him. Johnny said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater
with ten buttons, but her Breasts are so big she can only fasten
eight.’ The teacher sat down and cried.
I met a lady who was so ugly that when she went to the zoo, she had to buy two tickets.
One ticket to get in and the second ticket so they’d let her out !
“Grandpa” asked the 4 year old. ” Can you make the sound of a frog?”
Grandpa replies ” Well yes, but why do you ask?”
“because” explains the young man; “Because grandma sez when you croak we are all going to Disneyland!”
Fishing Buddies go to Lunch
A group of fishing buddies,
all in their 40’s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it
was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were
young, good looking and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the fishing buddies once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would
meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many
televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.Ten years later, at age 60, the group again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and
it was good value for the money.Ten years later, at age
70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed
that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.Ten years
later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had
never been there before..
Alice : “Did you hear about the guy who stole the wallet from a midget?
Bertha : “I can’t believe someone could stoop that low “!
The Biker Bar
car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
An elderly father in Phoenix, called his son in New York and said “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty-five years of misery is enough!”
“Pop” screamed the son in utter disbelief. “What are you talking about?”
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, replied the father. “We’re sick of one another and I’m sick of talking about this. Call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” The dad hung up the phone.
Frantic, the son called his sister who exploded on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced, “she shouted. “I’ll take are of this.”
The sister called Phoenix immediately and yelled at her dad, “Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m flying today and your son is flying out tomorrow. Don’t do anything drastic.”
“Yes dear” replied the father.
So the old guy turned to his wife and said. “Okay honey, they’re both coming out for Thanksgiving and they are paying for their own tickets”
THE ARMY RECRUIT
Corporal Polanski’s mother passed away rather suddenly and it fell on the shoulders of his Drill Sargent Badazz to break the news to the young recruit. Well, the Sargent was not a sensitive type so he broke the news by having all the men line up at attention.
“OK”, he yells, “all men whose mother is still alive.step forward… NOT YOU POLANSKI!”
A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the
woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair
and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her
dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in
Did you hear about the guy who had been married and divorced seven times? All of his ex wives had the same last name “Plaintiff” !
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?”Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make the days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an #*!$@# . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a $#&%@*#. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age
A pilot took his friend for a flight over Seattle in his small airplane. After an hour, a thick fog forced them to head back to the airport. Having no instruments to maneuver in the thick soup, the pilot admitted he was lost.
As they neared a tall building, they could see people inside the offices looking out the windows at their plane. “Open your window” asks the pilot to his friend “and ask them where we are!”. His friend lowers his window shouts to the office occupants “Where…are…we…?” he yells. Three voices from the 18th floor replied in unison : “you…are…in…an…airplane!”.
The friend closed his window in bewilderment while the pilot smiled knowingly, banked to the left, flew a half mile, banked to the right and flew one more mile to make a perfect landing at the airport.
“How did you know where to land after hearing their stupid answer to our question?” asks his surprised passenger.
“Simple” replies the pilot. “Their answer to our question was 100% correct but completely useless information. So I knew they must be the Microsoft Customer Service Office which everyone knows is 1/2 mile
West and 1 mile North of the Airport!”
NUNS IN FOREST
Two Catholic Nuns were driving the back country roads on their way to the Nunnery. Their car stalls. Out of gas. Seeing a distant light through the forest, they head to a nearby farm house. The farmer gladly agrees to give them some gasoline, however he doesn\’t have anything to put it into for them to carry back to their car. Finally, he gets an old Bed Pan from the attic and fills it with gas.
The two nuns manuevered through the forest slowly with their precarious Bed Pan full of gasoline. Finally they get to their car as dawn breaks and begin pouring the contents into their gas tank.
At that time, the local Episcopalian Minister drives by, stops and looks in amazement at what they are pouring into their gas tank.
“You know sisters” exclaims the Minister, “I’m not of your church but I do admire your faith.!”
“Your cat died”, bleated out the brother immediately.
“WHAT?” yelled his brother.”How could you be so cruel to just lay that on me. You know I loved that cat!”
“Well,” asked the brother, “How should I have replied?”
“First of all,”sez the salesman. “You work up to the bad news. Don’t just say it. For example, when I called, you could have said the cat was, ah, well stuck on the roof. Than next week when I call, you could have said, the cat fell off the roof and you had to take her to the vet. Than when I call again, you could have explained how the vet couldn’t save her and put her to sleep quietly. Derrick Morgan Womens Jersey You know, got me prepared.”
“I see” responds the brother. “I’m sorry I was so insensitive.”
“Oh, that’s ok,” comforts the salesman. “So tell me, how’s grandma doing?”
“Ah, ah,” pauses the brother. “She’s on the roof!”.